One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
