if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
