Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
