Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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