My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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