I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
