i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
