Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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