I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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