genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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