I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
