the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again