my phone needs a breathalizer
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
please come you make the beer taste better
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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