Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day