1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
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his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
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Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.