Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
