I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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