No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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