I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends