my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
