My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
