Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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