Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
