Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
