Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
