she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he thought i was a dude.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
