So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
That accounts for only three of the penises
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
