just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We left the knife in your bed.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
