I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
