I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
