There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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