Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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