I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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