I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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