Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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