You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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