when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
