I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
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Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
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It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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