we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
