I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
