god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
