They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
