now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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