Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
