Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
