my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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