I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
