Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
