Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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