Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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