imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
