youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
