Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
