I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Come see our sink grown plant.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
