I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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