I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
