if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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