my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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