I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
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I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
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Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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